An Honest Conversation With My Dad

This post is published on Max Life's igenius blog #promisepapa

“Dad, what is your purpose in life? What do you want to be remembered for?”

It took me 40 years to ask this question to my father. Why so long? Seems like a harmless question, anyways.

Looking back, my dad was the role model in our house and in our neighborhood – everybody wanted to be like dad. He was handsome (was called as rajkumar – “prince”, I was told) and he was well liked by everybody and as a kid I would swell up with pride if anybody said “Ruma is like her dad”. That, for me, was the ultimate compliment anybody could ever give me.

And I closely watched my dad and emulated his behavior as best as I could. Quite early on, I made up my mind never to express my emotions, particularly anger – after all I have never ever known my dad to be angry! It was my dad who we would go to as kids, who we would hide behind if we knew we had done something wrong, who we would call for when we were sick because we knew he would patiently rock us to sleep, who would cheer us from the audience during the annual parents day event at school. It was dad who introduced my sister and me to rock music – our first music album gifted to us by dad was Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ and it was from dad, I picked up the passion of following sports - I diligently watched every cricket, football and tennis match on television and everything else in between.

I completely adored my dad, so much so that I think there was an unsaid competition between me and sister as to who could be more like dad – his patience, his amiability was legendary.

When did the Shift Happen?

And as all kids grow up, so did I and went off to college. I remember saying goodbye to my dad on the foyer of my college hostel and while I was looking forward to step into a devilishly exciting world of college and living in a hostel with all my ‘Malory Towers’ literature behind me, I still remember my father’s concerned eyes and his face that said it all that he did not like leaving behind one of his dear daughters behind. (The journey back home for him must have been devastating and must have played havoc on his emotions.) And this is where I realized I changed from being a daughter under a father’s protection to being an independent woman with my own identity.

Strangely, it was my mom whom I first told about how I had fallen in love in college – perhaps I was embarrassed to tell my dad. And I can never truly fathom the depth of my father’s inner conflict since then whenever I went back to college or when I graduated and went further away for work.

Does it happen with every daughter that as she grows older, she slowly drifts away farther from dad and closer to mom?

While I drifted farther and farther away from my dad, living my own life, so to speak, I hardly thought about the inner conflicts that my dear father had had to go through watching his little girl go independent. I was so busy living my own life that I failed to notice the exact moment when the shift happened and my dad, who was amiability personified, was actually taking on conflicts head on – (perhaps that was when all the kids left home!) I suppose in the course of living his own life for his children, somewhere he stopped living for himself (or did he?). And always, his inner voice of ‘reality’ always held him back from truly breaking free and coming alive.

What do I mean by that?

It is all about emotions

While I had practiced controlling my emotions since childhood, as I went further up the leadership ladder, I realized that as a leader and as a woman, particularly in sales, trust is the key ingredient and trust is gained not by being a robot but by being a human. And it is only robots who can be tuned to have only happy emotions! Where is the vulnerability? So, what is it that I had been practicing? Had I been wrong in following dad’s example? Of course not. And yet….

In the days of yore, leadership had a different connotation and with Generation X, Generation Y and now the Millennial Generation, leadership has an entirely opposite meaning. The impact of any leader is the supposed to be the same but how one makes the journey is important. Being authentic is the key! 

So, how can one be authentic, when we try to ‘control’?

It was only years later when I myself was going through a mid-life moment that I asked myself “What is the purpose of my life? What kind of impact do I want to make in life?” And while I went on a journey of awareness and self-discovery, one day I went home and popped the question to my dad “Dad, what is your purpose of life? What do you want to be remembered for?”

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Equal Opportunities for Women @ Workplace : GROW India Summit

It's not about you, silly! What is the #1 consistent success mantra in Sales?

(With immense respect for all the sales guys out there!)

‘We are #1 in digital consulting and we have methodologies that pioneer the whole industry and we have 10,000 employees across the world and we perform…..’ While Stuart went on and on about how great his company is and its products, Leslie was surreptitiously checking her phone to see if there were any messages.

Have you been in situations like this? I have been in scores of cases like this where we lost the customer after 10 min of going on about how great we were. Then realization dawns ‘Buddy, it is all about the customer – let’s focus on the customer’s pain points’.

So, Stuart goes ‘Our consistent methodologies mean there is lower risk for you and TCO (Total Cost of Ownership) is attractive because of our pricing methodologies……’ 

And Leslie thinks ‘Oh good, they are talking about TCO and lower risk’. And she asks a question ‘So, how does this differentiate you from your competitors?’

‘Oh, we have been in this business for 42 years and our best practices…….’

Leslie starts checking her calendar for her next meeting. For Leslie, this meeting is already over – she will hand over the case to her team for due diligence alongwith other vendors and then the process continues. Stuart remains as one in many…..

Well, what do you notice? Yeah, there was no personal relationship. So, the sales guy (Stuart) is tasked with knowing Leslie on a personal level and taking her out for coffee, dinner, drinks, so there is a ‘personal’ connect.

And Leslie gets inundated by the numerous dinner meetings by all the other Stuarts competing for the same business and some even spring the question on her ‘What keeps you awake at night?’ Snigger, snigger!

Hmm, how many of you have gone through this grind? Ticking all boxes in a sales process - mapping clients, researching on their backgrounds, finding common connects for personalization, agonizing over the proposal, pricing etc. etc. And I am certain you would also have gone through the grind of parading the CEO or yourself in front of Leslie, so that massages her ego and prompts her to give you her vote.

 

So, with all the sales strategization, all the planning and mapping, what do you actually think clinched that big deal for you? It’s common knowledge people buy from people and then people buy from people they trust and so on….

And if you were to pinpoint what could be that ONE thing, the mantra that swung the deal for you? You might say ‘good marketing’, ‘good presentation’, ‘personal connect with all the client stakeholders’, ‘the charismatic CEO presence’ etc etc. So, what is that ONE thing that consistently works?

When you actually break the above aspects into various segments, there is one element that stands out – you are making Leslie feel super about herself. You are making her feel on top of the world with all the attention. The fact that you thought about her problems makes her feel special – I bet even her husband would not have put so much effort in finding answers to her problems!

Bottom line you made her feel good about herself!

So, it is NOT the CEO parade, it is NOT the wining and the dining, it is NOT the countless presentations trying to convince her how good you are – they are just necessary actions that resulted in one outcome. Making Leslie feel good about herself.

How many of us go through life grappling with guilt of not doing enough or not being enough, not doing things right, not going anywhere with our lives - well, Leslie goes through similar insecurities as well! Imagine in this self-doubting muck, you pull her out and make her shine. That is what will turn Leslie's vote. 

Note, it is easy to fall into the trap of complimenting ('You are looking gorgeous today!' or 'You have done a great job with this office') and wining and dining - that's easy. What is not easy and needs practice is seeing beyond the facade and looking at the real Leslie! When you do that, you have got the formula!

It's simple - it is all about the customer, the human being!

And each buyer stakeholder is unique and hence their interests and problems are unique. How do you tune in to everybody individual's needs? Sounds difficult?

I invite you to switch on your radar and create a magnetic field around you to pick up on each buyer's nuances in that moment. Look and really see the person you are interacting with. Remember life keeps changing and so does your buyer's.

We all need to practice turning on our magnetic field - we cannot just turn on the tap and expect sweet crystal clear water to flow. We have to first ensure that water supply is available and that means we first need to see deep within ourselves to answer a few questions and remove blockages.

William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli were two of the fiercest political rivals of the 19th century. Their epic battles for control of the British Empire were marked by intense animosity that spilled over from the public arena into their personal lives. Ambitious, powerful, and politically astute, both men were spirited competitors and masterful politicians.

Though each man achieved impressive accomplishments for Britain, the quality that separated them as leaders was their approach to people. The difference is best illustrated by the account of a young woman who dined with the men on consecutive nights. When asked about her impression of the rival statesmen, she said, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England."

Needless to say, who do you think always had the upper hand?

You are As Good as Your Boss!

In most leadership discussions, we all emphasize on team building and a motivated environment. Why? Because a leader is as good as his/her team that s/he leads. What is, however, somehow brushed under the carpet, is that a subordinate is as good as his/her boss. And that begs the question, ‘Is your boss among those who can build you as a leader?’

Building leaders is one of the most important leadership tenets and yet this is somehow seen to be the prerogative of the HR department in most organizations. Not surprisingly, many ‘so-called leaders’ these days are more focused on making themselves indispensable – so, while many of them ‘feel’ that they are encouraging and fostering leaders, most of their team members feel otherwise. Irony!

To reflect a bit more in-depth into this topic, is it a fact that an employee is as good as his/her boss? All bosses are subordinates too so if your boss has a limited perspective, if your boss is not assertive, if your boss is not influential, if your boss is struggling to grow himself in the organization while you are wildly ambitious, where does that put you? I will put it mildly – you need to change your boss.

Looking back, throughout my corporate career I have been lucky to have had bosses who have been influential and resourceful (except maybe once!). And hence I was lucky that I got the needed visibility, exposure and opportunities throughout my career. Imagine what a leg-up that is in the corporate ladder!

Have you ever felt that your peer has surged ahead in the career graph because s/he had a better (read more influential) boss? Well, you are not alone!

If you are ambitious and your boss is not, if you are committed and your boss is not, if you are politically savvy and your boss is not, if you know your way around an organization and your boss does not, rest assured that your boss-subordinate relationship will not last for long. I have seen too many casualties in the corporate battleground just because the subordinates’ ambitions conflicted with those of the boss.

So, how does one handle such situations?

Rule #1: When in the boss’ playground, play by the boss’ rules. What that means is that as long as you are in your boss’ team, ensure that you treat your boss as the captain. You have to keep him fully updated, you have to ensure you DONOT bypass him. Even when you are tempted to redefine the playground boundaries, DONOT do it unless your boss approves

Rule #2: Define your own boundaries within the playground. What that means is be absolutely clear about what is and can be expected from you, what will ensure your next promotion, what you will and will not do. Ensure you have defined your own goals as objectively as possible to leave room for no ambiguity.

Rule#3: Find a mentor. These days most organizations have a buddy—mentor scheme. If a mentor has not been assigned to you already, do ensure you find a mentor within the organization. A mentor is somebody who knows your work, who will readily vouch for you and who is ready to guide you. A good mentor is one who is already successful in the organization, knows her/his way around, is a leader who you aspire to be and who is either your boss’ peer or your boss’ superior in the organization structure.

Rule #4: Look out for a move. It is a given that this relationship is not a long lasting one and given your basic ideological conflicts, the longer you spend in this playground, the more conflicts you will have with yourself and with your boss. Ensure your boss is aware of your motives, so s/he can help with the same (easier said than done? Actually, a good boss will know when to let go a good performer who has begun to outgrow him!). So, what if you like this playground and your teammates and your captain? Ask yourself, what is of higher priority for you - Playing in the playground you like or playing for the captain who can make you a captain some day!

Bottomline, your growth in any organization is limited by your boss’ capabilities and his perspectives. And it is entirely upto you to take your career in your own hands. What are you waiting for?

The Happiness Mantra

The other day I read an article on how to achieve true happiness all the time – make your inner side/feelings reflect the outside. Easier said than done?

Actually, I do come across people who ask me how to be happy all the time. Now, imagine if you are happy all the time? You would probably start craving for times of depression! Isn’t that the law of nature? We always will crave for something that we donot have – the grass on the other side, the neighbor’s wife, the colleague’s salary, the celebrity’s house, the online friend’s country and the list goes on….

Well then you might ask, ‘Does this mean happiness is something we should not strive for?’ Actually, let’s stop striving and start arriving – what that means is let’s learn the concept of acceptance. If we are happy, we are happy – let’s acknowledge and accept and celebrate and move on without being too attached to it. Please donot misconstrue the phrase ‘without being too attached to it’. It does not mean that we take happiness with a pinch of salt and be skeptical about it. Instead, what this means is that we embrace happiness completely, enjoy it completely without inhibitions and then move on with satisfaction. Look at it with positivity (‘What a wonderful time it was’) rather than negativity (‘Why does it not last forever?’)

Recently, I participated in an event with really close friends and we ended the evening on such a satisfactory note that we did not want the evening to end and somebody said ‘Wish we could capture this moment and store it somewhere, so we could come back to this moment again and again whenever we want’. Have you ever felt this way? A fantastic business performance in a particular FY and the Chief Sales Officer remarked 'Wish we could have this kind of performance and fantastic team spirit at all times!'  An 8 year old kid once told me that she wished she could freeze time so that she and her parents could live in that happy moment all the time!

What do you notice about this?

And it is always inevitable that as we move through life, our flavors of happiness keep changing and sometime later we stumble upon the same intensity of happiness or even more in another form and shape and flavor. So, bottom line, every corner we turn, there could be happiness waiting for us and it is upto us whether we are still thinking about the happiness we left in the last corner and fail to recognize the happiness waiting in THIS corner.

This similarly happened to me after 3 weeks of a splendid holiday where my sister and her daughter came over from the US and we did not want the days to end. And when it was time to say goodbye, it was heart-breaking. And we had to move on and we did. I recognized I was on the arm of 'Melancholy' and she was showing me the dark sights but 'Happiness' was also standing right there in the form of memories.

As my 6 year old niece said wisely after returning to the US ‘We are here physically but our hearts are still in India. Hearts are coming on the next flight and will be here day after tomorrow’. In her simplicity, she accepted the fact that she will be without her heart for the next 2 days and after that she will have her heart back.

Acceptance is such a powerful tool to help us recognize where we are standing and where we want to be. In the example above, I greeted 'Happiness', spent some time with her and then bade her goodbye and took the arm of 'Melancholy’ and started walking. However, ‘Happiness’ was waiting just as I turned the corner in the form of some excellent references from my clients. I was torn between leaving the arm of 'Melancholy' and taking the arm of 'Happiness', which I did and seeing me with Happiness, Melancholy slowly faded away (remember, three is a crowd?).

What this means is we will keep meeting Happiness, Melancholy, Joy, Hurt and others at various times while we traverse the path of life – it is just about acknowledging them, greeting them and never being attached to them forever. If we feel attached to somebody for a long time, it is time to ask the question – ‘What did I miss on the way?’ This is one place where loyalty is not a necessity, but just a recognition....

How a Penalty Shootout is equivalent to Public Speaking

With the just concluded soccer world cup in Brazil, it just seems right to look at Penalty Shootouts a little more deeply.

It is a foregone conclusion that winning a soccer game through a penalty shootout is more psychological than technical, though many still call it ‘luck’. While individual players are quite successful in hitting penalty shots in the middle of a game, if a penalty is awarded, the same player can ‘choke’ when taking a shot in the penalty shootout that determines the outcome of the game. Consider that England has never won a penalty shootout at the World Cup. 

In the quarter-final match between Costa Rica and Netherlands, Dutch coach Louis van Gaal sent the taller Krul in as a last-minute substitute for starting goalkeeper Jasper Cillessen just moments before the shootout.

Some spectators may have thought this was because Krul had been stronger in the shootout scenario but British journalist & author of the 2001 book On Penalties, Andrew Anthony told CBC News that van Gaal wanted to get to the Costa Ricans psychologically, by getting Krul to fill "the space as much as possible with his physical presence, and clearly it worked."

So, Why am I speaking about penalties while considering public speaking? (And here public speaking does not mean giving a speech to hordes of people....it could even be addressing a meeting or making a presentation or being on stage for a talk). What is the commonality between a penalty shoot-out and public speaking? Anxiety is one of them and lots more….Read on to find out.

According to Andrew Anthony, author of the 2001 book "On Penalties", the shootout is about "the drama of decision-making."

"It all comes down to that moment as you walk from the centre circle to the penalty spot", which is the walk that players have to do. "You are walking down a kind of corridor of truth."

He notes, "Life often comes down to these dramatic moments of decision-making, although usually not watched by a billion people around the world."

When you are preparing to go out to the podium for a public speech or a presentation to a group of people where the outcome is very important for you, have you ever thought, ‘I have to nail this’ and then you start thinking about how to do that – whether your opening line needs more punch, what if people donot respond, what if somebody asks a question that you cannot answer etc etc. So, at that moment, while you are deciding how to nail it, you are already setting yourself up for failure.

"Anxiety is the most significant contributing factor to performance failure in football penalty shootouts" according to an Expert Statement on the Psychological Preparation for Football Penalty Shootouts, a paper prepared for the British Association of Sport and Exercise Sciences in 2013.

The penalty shootout is one of the few occasions in the game when players “have sufficient time to think about the consequences of failure”.

So, in those crucial minutes before the actual performance, getting into that mind space where we allow our bodies to instinctively react rather than allow our mind to dictate, is very important.

How does a football player practice for a penalty shootout? Anthony advises players to have in mind before the referee blows the whistle, where they are going to kick the ball. "Whatever you decide, you should stick to that and not change it." When they try to second-guess the goalkeeper, that's when they come undone.

"You've got to practice, you've got to have it as part of your muscle memory exactly where you are going to put the ball."

Basically, what this says is for the players to ignore the goalkeeper completely (who is bouncing about and also sledging and heckling, by the way) and focus on that one spot where he has practised hitting. Allow his muscle memory to take over and not his mind.

What about a public speaker? Likewise, practice your speech again and again and again and once more. You have to create your muscle memory first unless you have done this multiple times already before.

Have you ever thought ‘I will see how the audience reacts and I will change my game plan accordingly?' Wrong.
It is just like the football player thinking I will see which way the goal-keeper goes and then shoot, which never works. That will only increase the ‘anxiety’ – focus on the game plan that you have practised. Focus on ONE person in the audience and speak to that person as if you are having a 1:1 conversation – find your spot. Donot try to scan the whole goal post figuring out where to hit or donot scan the whole audience speaking to everybody. And if your mind comes in and says ‘you are doing this wrong’, or ‘people are not responding’, ‘make a joke now’, ‘you did not follow what you had practised’, ask your brain to take a small vacation.

The good part is, you have multiple opportunities to redeem yourself unlike a penalty shot. Do stop and assess and engage with the audience but DONOT allow your mind to take control of the proceedings, which is when you will know that you have missed the shot.

What happens when the mind takes control? Instead of engaging with the audience, you are actually having a dialog or listening to your head. So, if you are engaged with yourself, how can you possibly be engaged with the audience?

Taking a penalty in the shootout is a psychological game and so is public speaking. While getting your content, your tone of voice, your body movements etc are the technical aspects of public speaking, focus on your inner game as well.

The same dutch team lost out on penalty shootout to Argentina in the semi-finals - why? Could this be more than just bad luck? The discussion can go either way. And the fact remains that Ron Vlaar took the first penalty because nobody else was ready to take the first penalty and probably (tiny possibility) Ron Vlaar allowed his head to start thinking of consequences. And of course, Van Gaal had exhausted his substitutes and so he could not use his psychological move of using Kraal again.....

Sorry Skirt

Whenever you are late for work or for a meeting, do you just say “Sorry, I am late” or do you feel the need to explain yourself? “Sorry, I am late – my son missed his bus today, had to drop him off” or “Sorry, my in-laws arrived today and I started late from home” and so on...

If you do feel the need to explain yourself, you are a “Sorry skirt”. This phenomenon is more noticed in women than in men, though I have noticed men fall prey to this as well – does anybody really care WHY you are late? What everybody cares is about the impact you are having because you are late. So instead of explaining yourself, apologize for the negative impact that you have had.

‘Sorry, I kept you all waiting’ or ‘Sorry, this work is impacted because of me’ or just ‘Sorry, I am late’ with no explanation of the ‘why’ – it is really not needed. But we feel the need to explain because we want to give the message ‘I am really a good person but……’.

Women are seldom able to shed their ‘good girl’ image (for some men it is the 'good boy' image). At school, being obedient was considered an asset, a symbol of model behaviour and girls always want to be held up as a model student/girl.

While growing up, a girl child continuously hears the need to be held up as a respected woman, as a ‘lady’ with proper manners and mesmerizing everybody around without being too loud and most importantly keeping everybody around happy. Have you heard this before?

When this girl child grows into a woman, this behaviour starts reflecting at home, at the work place where the primary focus is on keeping everybody around happy, hunger for positive affirmations, living up to everybody’s expectations, doing deeds and hoping people around notice them.

Have you ever felt “I am doing a great job – as long as I continue to do my job well, I will be appreciated” or “I just need to do my job really well, my boss will take care of me”. If you do, you belong to the “Sorry Skirt” group. Ever stopped to assess, whether your boss is in a position to address your career aspirations? If not, what initiatives are required from you?

I have been told since childhood that it is arrogant to be proud of your achievements, others should notice you and not you yourself alone. What that meant was that you do a great job, feel secretly happy and hope that others notice this great job of yours. It is like doing your homework at school and when the teacher gives an ‘Excellent’ or a ‘Very good’, it is positive affirmation.

Likewise, at work, we expect that we do our job well and hope that our boss notices and gives us an ‘Excellent’ for the job done. There are a few differences though – the job is not our homework, the boss is not the teacher and it is not mandatory for the boss to go through the work we have done and unlike homework, in the work place, a work/project is usually a team effort.

This need for affirmation and perceived as ‘good’ typically continues into the work place where doing everything right as per the books, keeping the boss and everybody around happy becomes paramount and for everything else, we are constantly apologizing. Maybe it is time to ask ourselves – ‘What is it like to be an Unapologetic Woman’? 

Warm Regards.....REALLY?

I learnt my letter writing skills in school when emails were yet to make an appearance and signing off was typically ‘Yours sincerely’ or ‘Yours faithfully’ and I remember sniggering at the ‘faithfully’ – who was I being faithful to? What does ‘sincerely’ even mean when I am writing a letter to say a librarian so I could check out more books than allowed… Does it imply that I would sincerely or faithfully return the books? Well, why not just say it then? As my teacher sincerely pointed out ‘these are the rules or guidelines of letter writing – it is upto you to follow or flaunt them’.

And then entered emails…have you ever thought of how you sign-off in an email? Many have carried over the letter writing skills into emails and many have rediscovered their email writing skills. How about you? Do you blindly just say ‘Regards’ or ‘Cheers’ or ‘Thanks and Regards’ or ‘Best’ – These are the most common email sign-offs that I have seen.....until recently....

Before I go into the alternatives, let me focus a bit more on the regular. So, what do you intend to convey with your email sign-off?

A colleague sends an email to a peer disagreeing on the approach suggested and signs off ‘Warmest Regards’ (how do you select the warmest one among your regards?);

A boss sends an email to a subordinate asking for the quarterly forecast and signs off ‘Cheers’ (what is there is cheer about yet? Or do you want your subordinate to start clinking glasses now?);

A subordinate sends an email telling the boss about a lost deal and signs off ‘Best Regards’ (really? Buddy, you’ve just lost a deal!);

A Client servicing manager sends an apology email to the client about a delay and signs off ‘Kind Regards’ (Yes, I am sorry we inconvenienced you but you have our regards that are kind!);

A client sends an escalation to the partner vendor and signs off ‘Best’ (Best what? Best of luck dealing with my escalation? Best of luck because I am going to take away my business soon? What does this mean?)

A friend sends a catch-up email to another friend and signs off ‘Take Care’ (Sounds vaguely threatening…what should the friend be careful about?)

What do you notice? The sign-off most often than not seems to be completely contradicting the email content. So what is the purpose of the email sign-off? What makes us all follow something so mundane multiple times in a day?

You might say, the sign-off is really not that important, in which case I challenge you to do away with the sign-off altogether – if it is not important, don’t waste time doing it. And if you are doing something that is relevant, then I invite you to do it well and to make it exciting and worthwhile (for you and others).

A senior executive in an MNC is a creatively innovative person with an eye for detail – in a bid to be innovative with his communication, he started signing his emails exactly in tune with his emails eg 

if he was sending an celebratory email to the team, he would sign-off with ‘Calling for celebrations, Andrew’ or ‘Happily, Andrew’; 

if he was sending a revenue forecast to his bosses, he would sign off with the accompanying emotion like ‘Apprehensively, Andrew’ or ‘Confidently, Andrew’; 

if he was communicating with a client who gave him business, it was ‘Caringly, Andrew’ or ‘Gratefully, Andrew’; 

if he was angry or disappointment with somebody, it was ‘Disappointingly, Andrew’ or ‘Hopping mad, Andrew’ and so on. 

What do you notice here? The introduction of a human element in the emails rather than a mechanical by-rote email punch line, which makes the reader of the email connect so much better with the writer.

So, while we focus a lot on communication for leaders (verbal and non-verbal), you will agree that emails is one of the most frequent and far-reaching medium of communication in the world today – so why not make an impact right now starting with the sign-off. As a first step, make your email sign-off meaningful, exciting and give it your personal touch.

And as usual let me know at ruma.coach@gmail.com all your innovative sign-offs.

Wishing your creativity,

Ruma

3 Things To Stop Doing Right Now

Yesterday I watched a good cook participating in Masterchef Australia (yes, the TV cooking competition!) flounder and confuse himself while trying too hard to impress his idol, the legendary chef in the culinary world, Marco Pierre White; and in the process landed himself among the 3 worst cooks of the day.

Has this ever happened to you where you have worked too hard at achieving something and yet did not achieve the result you wanted and probably even ended up with one of your worst performances?

I remember in one of my sales deals, I had worked so hard, made multiple trips to the customer location, mapped the entire customer team right from top to bottom and all stakeholders in between and yet the deal fell through. Blame it on the 2008 economic meltdown or blame it on other circumstances, it was really hard for me to recover from that place of investment – I call it investment because it was not only time, money and energy but a lot of emotional investment into this deal. It took me a while and lots of energy to get out of the ‘Why did this have to happen to me?’ and ‘What did I do wrong – this is unfair’ mindset. And when I emerged out in the sunshine again, I knew it was time to learn and do things differently - 3 of which are as follows:

1.       Remain detached from the outcome: In business and in life, this is one of the most important aspects - our emotional investment comes from the fact that we are emotionally attached to the outcome. We already build in a picture in our minds about the future and how good it would be - the recognition, the sense of achievement, the good life etc, so much so that when the outcome is not as desired, it is harder for us to let go of the beautiful picture than the lost deal itself. What has served me better is to focus on the process and remain detached from the outcome.

Visualization is a key exercise most coaches use to extract a high level of performance without fear, however, visualization without self-awareness can be a potential downer.

 2.       Explore different Perspectives: When I hold up my hand in front of me, I see a fleshy palm, 5 fingers and various lines zigzagging through my palm and fingers. At the same time, the person on the other side sees my knuckles and 5 fingers with nails - a completely different picture. Donot be blinded by the obvious, instead search for perspectives that are not immediately visible.

Having a learner’s mind means not making assumptions about the obvious and this is extremely important eg If both me and my customer had explored his needs from perspectives, that were not visible immediately to both of us, we would have discovered some new aspects that would have in favour of both of us.

 3.       Stop Trying to Impress: We all know this and yet we keep making the same mistake again and again and again. It is instinctive for us to focus on creating a good impression of ourselves, our organizations etc and in the process we forget that we are not important – what is important is the customer or the task at hand. 

How many times have you found yourself sacrificing your strengths at the altar of ‘impressions’ just like this young masterchef cook? Whenever you find yourself working too hard, stop and ask 'Who am I trying to impress here?' You'd be surprised because sometimes the answer could even be 'Myself'!

So, inspired from the above, what is the action that you can take?

Here is a challenge this week for us to do together – the ‘STOP IT CHALLENGE’ (SIC!) week. I invite you to a 1 week challenge – invite a buddy to play this game with you and hold each other accountable and tell me what you achieved.

Stop Obsessing about the Outcome (and Start Enjoying the Process/Journey)
Stop Assuming the Obvious (and Start Exploring)

Stop Impressing (and Start Being Impressed)

What is the ONE thing you would like to change if you could....

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